my brother just killed himself
It was the reality of our relationship and the abrupt end. Although we live there, these neighbors would come when they could mostly on weekends. Please seek help. My sister didnt want me around when I was at my lowest because it made her feel uncomfortable and it hurt but I got better without her and now she has regrets but Im not a monster so I forgave her. The relief I thought I would feel has not yet come. Seeing all the people that loved him and reading about the things he did for people. Out of my entire Family, we knew each other the most. Please never take a moment with your parents for granted, because I did, and I have so much regret right now. I feel so lost and heartbroken as well. I dont know what Im supposed to say or do, or how to brace myself for the waves of grief and anxiety and obligations waiting for me back home. There was an email from a woman and one back to her, they were sex related. He is age 25 my son is 5 years old . I am so heartbroken! Ive seen her twice since Ive been home. But I cant. I will never stop loving him. She has a four year old daughter who was in our apartment when she did this her 3 year old niece was there as well. My great lawyer Michael J Bidart sued Blue Cross of CA, Cedar Vista Hospital and their Yale educated contract Psychiatrist We won a 4.5 million settlement and I built the Sean McDonald school in Cambodia. She said it is my fault and I didnt deserve alimony in the first place and that she read my texts. My name is Gab and Im 34 years old and I am grieving the loss of my wife. Both of my parents are psychologists, so they are taking it extra hard as they feel that they could've helped him more. The neighbor ran out of house screaming and called the police. I think many of her family and friends knew, as well. He dropped out of school. Not at all. Considering the stuff you mentioned about him. I was only 23 at the time and as I approach the 3 year anniversary of his death I find the pain harder and harder to deal with. Its been a long struggle to find peace and knowledge through it all, but it has helped me to help others, be cool and learn to live for you buddy. I tried and have no guilt feelings because I did all I could for him, but dear God since he died a part of me died too ! hello its a beautiful crisp fall day here in Virginia and I do believe I am going to take my life in the next 24 hours by walking very far into some woods and hanging myself with a belt, hoping that i will not be discovered. April 14,2008 My big brother died that way too. My boyfriend died by suicide on 12/13/18 we was together for 2 and half years I broke up with him and he went to get a gun and pulled the tiger I heard him but I didnt pay attenuation I thought he wanted my attention because he has done this before. Wow I cant believe so much people are going through what I am going through. I will not stop until I fine the truth in what happened. Hey im sorry to hear that you are going through such a situation. I judged her that we have nothing in common and I was friendly but always rushing past, not stopping to get to know her. I just want half the person I use to be before his death. Be patient with yourself and with others who may not understand. On the back I had written how I knew he was going through a hard time right now, but that I believe he can make it through. You have my deepest sympathies. There is no excuse not to in this day. He gained so much peace and achievements in this time and he constantly smiled up until the weeks that he died. But I loved and love him a lot. For whatever reason.. that was their destiny as damn terrible as it is. The last time I was home to visit, we went out for food with his girlfriend, where he told me his/their plans, hopes, and visions for what the future held. I know she will always be the bigger and will continue to hug me. SOBS is Survivors of bereavement through suicide. I cannot stop shaking. He was the love of my life. Love you my darling girl. He still would not respond. Linda M Osmon April 4, 2018 at 9:31 pm Reply. Hi Joanna. She was always scared to drive so I would take her to work only to have her call me crying sometimes even before I got home. Though there will always be unknowns here, but as an outside person reading your words, please know this does not read as something that you should carry guilt for. I assume you are dealing with something similar. Bekah December 8, 2020 at 11:23 pm Reply. That image will never go away. She had killed herself. I chose sobriety, and returned to work a year later, realizing that I had survived this experience. And he went through with it. He also died by a self-inflicted gunshot to his head. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. The grief comes without warning and I break down. Taylor Porco was just 14 years old when her brother, Jordan, died by suicide during his freshman year of college. And it wasnt just his close friends. I guess I went to this form to try and find somebody who may have had this happen or seen something similar to give tips on numbing the pain. Thank you for sharing your heart. I am an only child but love him and his family like they are my own. He wanted to be in counseling we got him started. I know its gonna suck but its also going to help. He had a bright future ahead with a new company he joined and he had no financial worries. Only being 3 months the pain is totally unbelievable and the heart break of wondering why or what could of stopped it . On April 8th the love of my life took her life almost right in front of me. Morning comes, I walk to hers.. Police are there, I asked what happened!? I do things that I know my brother would enjoy doing, para-sailing, for example. We did not have a sister relationship anymore. But what was pressing was living through my friends multiple attempts each one worse than the next. Im so worried for my own life. Sometimes I think I am moving forward a little and then I slip back. No matter how dark it gets. But this website has continued to be my resource. It took all my siblings to hold her up and keep her from tugging on him. I realized that my oldest son chose to die too. I was planning to visit him when I got the news from my aunt that he had hanged himself in june 2018.He was 43. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ You may also want to seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ Please be gentle with yourself. Despite everything, he never deserved to lose his life. Alison December 27, 2018 at 12:00 pm Reply. May be sending you a message in the days to come. The saddest part is that she documented it all with an online friend she was talking to in another country, and she immediately regretted what she did, threw up for 8 hours, fell asleep in a bad position and suffocated. He lost his son and I my brother- Our worlds are different and there is hope in prayer and in tomorrow. One night I went over and we had a LOT to drink. I know there is a God who does love you and who wants you to find peace in this life. Each day the pain is just so unbearable. It was the first time I been to his house for months and we even socially distanced. This is a good article and I can relate to most of it. Im looking for that little spark . You won't know when you're ready, because you'll never really feel ready, so do it soon. But I was not able to see the pain she was going through, she was depressed and wanted to get back to her jerk ex bf. I dont miss the Monster my mom could be , but I do miss the times when she would love me with out limits. It makes the memories the feelings of love and happiness feel real. Thanks for sharing. I also beat myself up because Im a licensed counselor! Call 911 I screamed with all I had. When Your Child Says, "I Want to Kill Myself" - Psychology Today Sarah October 4, 2019 at 12:45 pm Reply. We shared it with each other about 100 times a day. Thats not the point though. I am in yet another phase of grieving the loss of my son 16 months ago. I needed him in my life but he left me and I dont know why. You are loved. People pull through these things, you read miracles all the time. I cant stop thinking about it. We were happy. He put me onto the raiders bc of Bo Jackson, my first son is named Jackson. His friends where my friends and vice versa. I have used your site many, many times as a chaplain and have referred so many other caregivers and bereaved to these helpful resources. I know I tried and loved him more than my own life. And if they dont want you around they dont deserve you. It was horrible; something Id never wish on my worst enemy. Cyndi Fern January 21, 2021 at 11:38 am Reply. She never really had a father figure. My advice is try not to feel guilty about the feeling better when you get there, your allowed, your still here and no matter what was going thru his mind he did love you and its ok to be angry. He was sitting on an open deck in a lawn chair, beside a small vacation camper, with a large forest in the background, and a lake in front. My son took his life. Ill never understand any of this. And Im imagining what a beautiful love we had, and how we should have been together. I am looking for akey as if I find it, I can run to a door and open it and he will be there. Now they told me that they dont me around. Im thinking I should still do that. No one to talk to, to tell about your day, to talk about your childrens successes, strives, their challenges. It sounds like you and your family were doing all that you could for him, to show him support and love. It may be helpful to talk through this with a therapist or counselor trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ I hope this helps a bit. Most times when im ok is when I think hes still alive and I just wont ever see him. If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves. I beat the door with my fist until my hands wouldnt close hit my knees and screamed out everything in me! She sent years self medicating to numb her pain. I have had numerous back surgeries, implanted morphine pumps, and spinal injections. I still relive it all the time. Even if those times were short and brief. It started a few days before he died actually. Why would he kill himself? Jackie davis January 27, 2019 at 11:40 am Reply, My mother died by suicide February 11,2016.. next month will be 3 years . Like I had no heart. This tragic event has destroyed me. My name is Robert and on March 6th 2018 at 5:58 I recieved a call on facetime from the woman I have been in love with for over 15 years, and I say have because I still am, and she said I called just to say good bye. His parents split. It is your right to live the best life you know how. I dont think it will ever get easier in a few days is my 26th birthday Im still a baby I dont have a father or mother in my life anymore. Sometimes I think I did too much, and perhaps thats why was hard for him. We divorced 16 years ago and he married his latest mistress. I cant make it right ever. Like, i loss interest in meeting and talking to others even to my family. I see every wrong move I made that led to him doing it. A book that has brought me some relief is Life After Life, by Raymond Moody. We just had his wake today and the memorial service is tomorrow. This is a man that did almost everything for me. My whole family is split up and now my sister is gone. She hid her depression from the public so well that nobody could see it. by stacy7132. Grieving After a Suicide Death - What's Your Grief I want answers, but I know I will never get them. He contacted my mother and begged her to take him back. We did our best to be there for her through thick and thin but the mental anguish was too much for her. But then I became very mentally ill. And he loved to copy me as a child, but I never realised that hed carried on into his teenage years. One died in 2016 age 29 and the other twin age 30, just couldnt live without his other half. Nothing easy in our life but we will go through,it is one of them in our life ,it is not easy but you will go through. It sounds like not knowing why your brother took his life is really troubling to you. The ripple effect occurred in which every person in Davids life blamed themselves for not doing more, etc, even though Davids illness and anger pushed them away. I had to tell my dad that his baby girl was gone. She leaned over me and told me she needed to go on a journey and research the sun to heal, and that it may be couple years before she is able to reach out again. my kids OMG. I had 2 friends hang themselves, the later I found and had 2 cut down. Um my best friend for 9 years is probably the most suicidal person I know, the cutting got to the point where she could accidentally commit, shes in a mental hospital right now for a month I miss her so much I dont even know if this is gonna help her. If the thoughts continue, seek help and support. He said I dont want to talk about it. Watching my mom beg him to fight and wake up. She had depression from a young age, and cut herself to relieve her depression. We took her to her doctor. Parisa August 20, 2020 at 11:05 pm Reply, After 24 hours being missing they found hermy sons fianc. His eyes never leave mine , I even tried to catch his body. Im lost, confused, and broken. No love, no intimacy, sometimes I hate this world. Surveys have shown that 40% of adults know at least one person who has died by suicide, and upwards of 20% of adults report their lives have been significantly impacted by suicide. His daughter found him. I have said the many what ifs. I know this is of little comfort right nowpersonally, I know this to be so, because I cry incessantly for him everyday. I never even knew he was sick. At best, I was delaying his decision. But I still feel like nobody understands the pain. I will be thinking of you and hoping that you find the help you need. Spending time with her wasnt the same it was almost like her eyes were glassed over and her physical body was present but her mind was elsewhere. You can also subscribe without commenting. I just came across your message at the top of the comments and felt like I really wanted to write to you.. I commended her for her efforts and told her that mental illness doesnt have to be the end of your road. I want to feel pain and regret and sarrow and all that bc its real. He was out with his true friends just before. There was a gun and bullets just waiting for him. Hed always struggled with depression and didnt really connect with relatives much. But he kept pushing me away, lied to me, proved unloyal, I had no choice but to let go. Oh dude :(. I dont want to get out of bed. I miss him every single day. Her life was not perfect but it was not unperfect either. Im sorry. Similiar to Chan. My dad wouldnt want to live that way. Looking back I think I was being so cold and mean that she had no other way to fight back.She had never really hurt me bad but I guess because of my past abuse in childhood and as a young woman I was not able to deal with this. She didnt know how he died, though. I feel partially responsible because even though i knew he was sick I said some nasty things to him. She of course told him she had to ask her parents first and would let him know. I want to be the man I once was but it just seems like the only way is to step up for them, but always be miserable and always lose to her. I feel so guilty for: not seeing the signs; not taking the time required to really explore how he was feeling before I left town, and for leaving when he obviously needed me most. You dont live with someone that long and just stop caring about them. its unreal, I lost my brother too to suicide. Just because hes sick doesnt mean that whatever your relationship was with him before he was diagnosed is automatically reset into something wonderful. Ive blamed myself for not being the son that I should have been. Im the one who found her.. Im in hell! My husband of 26 years also died on Fathers Day or that is when I found him. He refused to seek help because I suspect he doubted anyone really cared or could change his feelings. Ramona, thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your story/perspective. He talked to us every single day even when he was annoyed by his job. For me, not knowing the truth, led me to fear history repeating itself. Finally at 25 years old we had to face that she was not able to work anymore. I want my brother back too and felt shocked and hurt that he would leave me here alone. One guy tried to kill himself 5 times. I love him so much and I just hope this blur of emotions will turn into strength. IS THIS WHY MY SON TOOK HIS LIFE? Don, I am so sorry for all you are coping with. It was a reflection of himself and the things he never got to do. Although that idea in itself is also painful. He didnt show any signs prior nor did we see any. The timing of his suicide was particularly cruel. So thats what I wanted to sharejust something I have been working on. Really gone. There was really no good mental health care in our whole state.I then called another doctor that I found in our area and told them what was happening and asked for an appointment for her to be completely re-evaluated. Thoughts of personal blame and responsibility. As I had commented earlier, I lost my father to suicide on March 5th. I guess Im suggesting that your daughter to reach out to her friends family to say that he meant something to her. She was a married women, but I learned I would do anything to keep her in my life because we had such a strong connection. I will always love him and what he did for me and the girls, but I know I will see him again some day , Houston P April 27, 2021 at 7:09 pm Reply. I have made a promise to my wife of over 30 years that I wouldnt do that to her. Eulalia DePrins August 19, 2019 at 10:54 pm Reply. They had been together for 6 years. Not a day goes bye i dont think about him every second and am depress. On 1/3/2023, she left the house, seemingly normal, to go to a therapist appointment. Adults need to help children through suicide properly too. Please know it gets better. Jessica, Im so very sorry for your loss. I guess for me its where do we go from here.